Let us examine the Great American Pinhead (craniorectal-inversionus northamericanus). This odious creature has the outward appearance of a stable, adult homo sapiens of either gender, and is found in dense herds wandering the countryside and (especially) on internet forums.
Case in point: A laughably poor attempt to firebomb Times Square in New York City fails due to industrial-strength ineptitude and a lack of understanding of basic chemistry. The would-be bomber is obviously a pinhead in his own right, but the weapons-grade pinheads emerged on internet forums and chat rooms over the next couple of days. Those on the Left were practically wetting themselves in public, crowing that the failed bomber had to be a teabagger. All manner of spurious justifications for this theory were advanced, but- in reality- the leftish pinheads were desperately praying that someone associated with the tea party movements was responsible. They were more interested in fixing blame on their political rivals than in discovering the truth. When that truth finally emerged, the leftish pinheads pouted and sulked and said, in so many words, how much they really wanted it to be a teabagger.
Those on the right weathered the storm of criticisms from their political rivals until the police caught the Failbomber- who turned out to be a Pakistani-born muslim who was a naturalized US citizen. The rightish pinheads immediately began their usual frothing at the mouth about Islam supposedly being the root of all evils (isn’t money supposed to be the root of all evil?), and getting further incensed at the fact that the arrested Failbomber was given the benefit of the rights and privileges afforded all Americans, including- gasp!– being read his rights. Republican politicians began shrieking about stripping the Failbomber of his citizenship (and by extension, his rights to due process), completely forgetting not only what little sense they had ever possessed, but also their tiny store of knowledge about Constitutional law. Allow me to remind you, dear reader, that most politicians are lawyers. One would think that a lawyer would have at least a tentative grasp of the fundamentals of US law.
Speaking of lawyers (those paragons of morality and good sense), remember that Pennsylvania school district that issued to laptops to all their students and then remotely activated the built-in webcams to spy on those students at home? Police investigators discovered somewhere on the close order of sixty thousand webcam photos on the school’s servers. Still desperately clinging to the ludicrous belief that they had done nothing wrong, the district hired a pack of lawyers to conduct an “independent investigation”. Oddly enough, this independent investigation was conducted by the legal defense team and firm hired by the school district. Those worthies even released a report whose title announced how independent it was. To everyone’s surprise, the school district’s lawyers discovered that the school district hadn’t done anything wrong. Everyone immediately heaved a great sigh of relief and went back to more important matters laughed themselves sick and continued with the local, state, and federal criminal investigations- not to mention the various lawsuits.
Speaking of things which will not end well, Arizona is only now starting to discover the price of their recent decision to demand proof of legal residence of anyone at any time (You vill show me der papers!). The legislature and the governor were greatly taken aback by the storm of protests from just about everywhere. The White House condemned them, and (predictably) so did the the government of Mexico. What really started getting the attention of the tax-fattened hyenas inhabiting the Arizona legislature were the economic effects as governments and businesses from inside the US announced boycotts against Arizona. Oopsie! Didn’t think your cunning plan all the way through, did you? These minor (but potentially significant) economic hazards are likely to be dwarfed by the legal effects once this travesty of justice goes into effect in July. There are swarms of attorneys feverishly drafting lawsuits and amicus briefs in anticipation of the judicial bloodbath that will surely ensue as soon as the first US citizen gets arrested under this law.
While I’m on the subject of unintended consequences, the Master Pinheads in the Logic-Free Zone grew mightily wroth after the passage of the recent health-care reform legislation when several major companies announced that they would be taking significant hits to their next quarter’s earnings. The companies made these announcements in compliance with a Federal law requiring them to do so. What got the congressional pinheads so worked up was the reason for the charges against earnings: to pay for the increased costs of operating under the health-care reform legislation. Congressional hearings were swiftly convened for the purpose of smacking the collective peepees of those evil corporations. How dare they demonstrate that the Law of Unintended Consequences always makes it through Congress?
A weird thing happened before those hearings were held. Somebody whose brain cells weren’t dying of loneliness managed to convey to our legislative pinheads some actual facts. Little tidbits like the Federal requirement to announce charges against earnings and (more likely) the notion that those corporations had all contributed heavily to the election campaigns of most of the congressional idiots. That last particular bit of belated knowledge un-dudgeoned the congresscritters with the quickness, and those hearings somehow fell off the radar. Odd, that.
Thus concludes our latest ventures among the various examples of the Great American Pinhead. I have no doubt there will be further episodes, because the species is widely distributed and is immune to normal human reactions like shame.
Current status: nauseated
Current music: All I Want by Toad the Wet Sprocket