Stupid People Tricks

26 12 2007

Since I spend a lot of time on the internet, I read a lot of “news” stories about Stupid People Tricks. We should all be familiar with this sort of thing by now. Someone does something that makes everyone else ask, “WTF? Why did he do something so stupid?”

To clarify, allow me to offer a couple of definitions. Stupidity comes in three flavors: Accidental Stupid, Generic Stupid, and Weapons-Grade Stupid.

Accidental Stupid is the normal sort of incidental stupidity which can afflict even the smartest humans from time to time.

Good examples of Generic Stupid include what gets churned out in overwhelming throngs by our Public Education system and people who watch American Idol.

Weapons-Grade Stupid is best described as a particularly toxic kind of stupidity, capable of causing people with an IQ higher than room temperature who encounter it to suffer spontaneous explosive brain aneurysms.

There’s a lot of Weapons-Grade Stupid out there. Anything said or done by Phredd Phelps is a whole category of Weapons-Grade Stupid by itself. There are countless reports of people punching a wall or window because they’re pissed off about something (and then suffering the consequences). A mother who got angry because a school-bus driver wrote up her kid, so she stormed aboard the school bus and physically attacked the driver. Police officers in a particularly crime-ridden northern California town spend time pulling people over to reward them for driving safely. A sailor on leave who tried to multi-task driving and checking to see if his weapon was loaded (it was). A couple of women who locked the keys in their rental van while it was in the rental office parking lot, but decided to try and force open a side window instead of walking a couple of hundred feet to get another key. A bunch of college kids who roamed their neighborhood stealing Xmas decorations, but then left the swag on the lawn in front of their apartment for the cops to find an hour later. A delivery driver’s co-worker who wrote, “drive up to the main building and detonate in the name of Allah” on the driver’s trip direction sheet to a military facility as a joke (the gate guards were less than amused). A convicted murderer who got hired to head a city’s “Anti-Crime Task Force”. The list goes on … and on … and on and on and on and on and on and on.

While many of the stories are humorous on their own, the sheer quantity makes for depressing reading- even accounting for the probability that only the real wombats are making the news. People unfamiliar with the US would be justified in assuming that every third person here is bat-shit insane, and the other two are merely nuts. I am familiar with the US, and I’m giving this idea some serious consideration.

Fortunately for our reputation, the rest of the world is trying hard to catch up. Americans often don’t hear about some of the idiocy going on in other parts of the globe, but there’s so much stupid out there that it seems to be an inherent part of the human condition. Take the old story of the Thai kids who decided to set off a bunch of fireworks … using the top of a fuel storage tank as a launch pad. Have you heard about the imbecile in Germany who decided to reach inside the tiger cage to get a better picture? The two Mexican kids who couldn’t swim but jumped into a canal to catch shrimp?

I still think the US has the edge in Total Reported Stupidity. Whether that’s a function of the sheer number of so-called “news” outlets in this country or the vast herds of mindless dolts we produce, I don’t know. While I’ve no problem with competition per se, this is really one contest we should try very hard to lose.

“The stupid … it burns!”

Current Status: Discouraged

Current Music: No Quarter by Led Zeppelin

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7 responses

27 12 2007
prairieflounder

So if stupidity comes in three flavors I would have to assume that there should be degrees of stupid in each category? Like a stupid scale, however I believe that there are many more levels than just three. I figure that there are probably ten grades, eight between Generic and weapons grade stupid. That would be using generic as a low grade stupid and weapons grade is as stupid as you can get. I may suggest that atomic grade stupid be added to cover politicians, and sports stars.

I did a search for stupid scale and I got this:
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Stupid+Scale
I do not like their scale, as profanity is not descriptive enough to properly scale stupidity.

How about having a go with subdividing stupid?
Top 10 lists are popular this time of the year….
-pf

27 12 2007
archvillain

I was actually thinking more along the lines of a logarithmic progression, but perhaps an exponential progression would be more accurate. Generic Stupid (GS) would be the equivalent of Accidental Stupid (AS) squared, and Weapons-Grade Stupid (WS)would be GS squared.

Or perhaps you were thinking of the Three Degrees of Stupidity, whose creator I know not but whose work I reproduce here for comparison:

Class Three: High Function Stupids – Cognizant Stupidity
Cognizant stupidity involves a particular and localized lack of intelligence. This is generally transient but clearly noticeable. Such people are often taken advantage of- primarily because they have something to lose. Most cognizant stupid people function well in society. It takes some time to determine their stupidity – they can be lucid for prolonged periods of time.

Fools are the most commonly and widely dispersed of the type. A Fool, also known as a Dupe is someone whose stupidity lies in a narrow area. Some Fools are often mistaken for intelligent people who are ‘fatally flawed’. Foolishness can be rewarded in society, however that doesn’t quite make up for the lack.

We often also encounter Idiots, who function quite well in society, but there are a class of things they just don’t get. Idiots are generally smart enough to avoid their own idiotic behaviors, but they have a surprising amount of tolerance for their own idiocy, which they can sometimes convince others as ‘unique genius’. Idiots are particularly annoying because they generally believe that they know what they’re talking about even after it becomes clear that they don’t. They will call it a ‘difference of opinion’, but they’re simply idiotic.

Stooges– at the low end of the cognizant totem pole- never quite avoid stupidity. Stooges, however, are intelligent enough to use their stupidity to their own advantage, and usually are most recognizeable by their capacity as Flacks, Namedroppers, Flunkies and Brownnosers. Stooges are deceptive by nature and function best under the color of authority. Stooges, once discovered, do what they do best, blame somebody else.

Class Two: Low Function Stupids – Chronic Stupidity
Chronic stupidity manifests itself in a variety of ways, however a chronically stupid individual is almost immediately recognizeable as challenged by ordinary life. As low function individuals, they are generally found in co-dependent relationships with each other or sympaticos.

The classic LFS is a Doofus. Easily recognizeable, a Doofus has difficulty making sense of common social conventions, such as dressing properly, laughing without snorting, or using breath mints. A Doofus who sees you tomorrow will retell the joke you told him today. As a social incompetent, a Doofus aims to be a geek, but alas is too stupid to convince anyone save perhaps their poor suffering parents. At the same level of a Doofus but with an emphasis on physical stupidity is a Spaz.

However there are fairly stupid people who do manage some ability to pass themselves off as socially acceptable, that is until they open their mouths. Meet the Airhead, also known as the Twit. Both are capable of talking at a reasonable speed but are they saying anything? No. These stupids are remarkably unselfconsious about their stupidity, but that is because they generally are able to seek and find each others company. If you know more than one Airhead, check yourself.

Also very common are Dolts. Also known as blockheads, knuckleheads, and shitferbrains, Dolts are generally incapable of thinking on their feet. Dolts have one-track minds which can make them fairly good athletes, thugs, and/or gas station attendants. A dolt has a favorite song and she’s always singing it. Dolts never get over the death of a pet or Curt Cobain.

A Doofus who is also a Spaz is generally known as a Moron. Morons are at the bottom of the low function chain. Morons tend to remain out of sight and out of mind, but they can make their presence spectacularly known. Driving on the sidewalk is a moronic activity, as is setting fire to cats. Most winners of the Darwin Awards™ are Morons.

Class One: The Pathological Stupids – Terminal Stupidity
Uh, what can I say? These are a group that one doesn’t often encounter in the mainstream of society, however there are many who remain uninstitutionalized. It is not generally considered polite to discuss the behaviors of the PS crew, but who gives a fart about that?

The most charming of the Pathologicals is the Imbecile. Imbeciles generally have sunny personalities, which means that they can smile without drooling. In the company of an Imbecile, most people are pleasantly surprised that they can do anything at all. In fact, imbeciles are about as bright as 7 year old children. Give them cookies, but when they start talking about ‘doody’ it’s time to leave.

The most common of the low end are Retards. Retards have a hard time maintaining any train of thought whatsoever. Not only do they speak in non-sequiturs, life itself is one stream of non-sequiturs for them. Although it’s snarkily cool to call someone a Retard, as I am prone to do, true Retards need personal attention at all times and must be kept away from sharp objects.

Cretins are the lowest of the low. You’ve never seen one, and that’s a good thing.

I wish I knew who created that list, so I could give them proper credit.

8 08 2009
meh

there is another kind of stupid. A stupid who does stupid because 1) it’s funny and 2) it causes trouble. They have some kind of epileptic seizures which send them into a state of panic like fear and also berzerk rage. You don’t know whether to laugh or not, but you know they aren’t actually stupid, but they have a seizure in their brain like a panic attack and they go berzerk and turn on friend and foe alike. Unfortunately for them when it wears off, they truly know how stupid they were but they are cursed by a disease in their brain. Psychiatrists tend to think they are schizophrenic but they don’t hear voices or any of that crap. Psychiatry is horrible if people who are considered to be mentally ill should be sent to a doctor and be thouroughly checked out because you know not everyone who has symptoms of mental illness is mentally ill but physically ill. All sort of viruses can get into the body and cause people to behave mentally ill but because our government is run by fucking morons they throw them into a psychiatric hospital without having doctors do any tests to determine if maybe there is an actual virus or other body function causing it. I hate America and wish I could go to Europe because they are far more intelligent there America is a land of retards run by retards and our educational system is a joke and the entire country is a big joke because the only thing that matters here is money. I am laughing my ass off at your financial crash and I hope it just gets worse because you fucking deserved it. I will serve the true Ceaser, like Marcus Aurelius. I had hope in Obama but only time can tell.

30 03 2010
Sergi

Бывает и хуже

30 03 2010
archvillain

Sergi, I agree. But stupidity makes bad things more likely.

Thank you for reading and commenting. Please excuse my poor grasp of your language. I am writing this using a translation program.

Я согласен. Но глупость делает плохие вещи более вероятным.

Благодарим Вас за чтение и комментирование. Пожалуйста, простите мое бедное понимание вашего языка. Я пишу это, используя программу перевода.

30 03 2010
archvillain

meh, I have no idea what you’re talking about, so here is a picture of a bunny with a pancake on its head:

1 04 2010
Nobuko

Hello there, Happy Fool’s Day!!!

A little boy at a wedding looks at his mom and says, “Mommy, why does the girl wear white?”
His mom replies, “The bride is in white because she’s happy and this is the happiest day of her life.”
The boy thinks about this, and then says, “Well then, why is the boy wearing black?”

Happy April Fool’s Day!

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