Fish People

31 03 2007

You know who they are. You’ve seen them on the highways and side streets.

Fish people.

These people are some of the worst drivers on the face of the Earth. Since I have had occasion to drive in several countries, I feel that I am qualified to make that statement.

Fortunately, these horrid drivers thoughtfully adopt a warning symbol on their vehicles to warn others that the person driving is more dangerous than road rage, psychopathic hitchhikers, and alcohol combined. If you ever see a car with a fish logo on the back, give that car a wide berth.

I don’t know why these people are such bad drivers. Some people claim it’s because fish people are not afraid of a collision because they feel they’d be going to a better place. I’m not sure. All I can speak to is my observations from driving many different vehicles on three continents.

In Italy, for example, road signs, lines on the road, lanes, and even common sense are considered mere suggestions. IN Napoli, for example, tourists are warned against crossing the streets unless they accompany a nun. The tiny little cobblestone alleys the Italians laughingly refer to as streets are used for two or three lanes of traffic, defying the laws of physics and any shred of interest in self-preservation. And yet, Italians are the most reserved and gracious of drivers compared to the fish people of North America.

In Egypt, driving is an exercise in three-dimensional ballet. I have seen common four-way intersections with traffic flowing in at least six directions. Pedestrians literally take their lives in their hands trying to cross a street. But I would rather skateboard blindfolded through downtown Cairo at rush hour than share the roads of the United States with fish people.

Only one group of drivers even come close to the abysmal  driving habits of the fish people. They are fortunately restricted to the West Coast of the US- specifically California. This is not a screed against California drivers, however. I speak of a distinct group of drivers who also thoughtfully bear warning logos on the rear of their cars to warn others of their inability to drive. These people are all customers of Andy Granatelli’s Tune-Up Masters. These people bear a logo resembling a “T” in the middle of an “M”. Every car with this logo I have ever seen also bears the scars of numerous collisions, but the fish people are far, far worse.

Fish people are seemingly oblivious to the existence of turn signals, speed limits, traffic lanes, the presence of other people on the road, and the laws of physics. Their cars and minivans careen wildly through the densest of traffic, lacking even the poor excuse of cell phones to explain their boorish and dangerous actions. When confronted by the angry drivers with whom they’ve collided, they are always confused as to reason for their victims’ anger. This alone has convinced me of the fallacy of the “I’m going to a better place” theory. They are simply completely and utterly unaware of the fact that their stupidity has consequences for other people. This state of smug, blissful ignorance to the welfare of people around them is directly contrary to the teachings of the religion they profess to follow, but fish people are also completely oblivious to their own hypocrisy. When these facts get pointed out to them, fish people are completely incapable of understanding the lesson.
No matter how many accidents they cause, tickets they receive, or lives they destroy, fish people are incapable of changing their behavior- because they cannot comprehend that their behavior is a problem.

So please, when you see a car or minivan with a little fish emblem on the back, get the Hell away from them. They believe that Jebus is watching out for them, so they don’t have to pay attention. They’re perfectly at ease reading the bible while they drive, confident that the God of many names will guide their car safely through traffic.

I don’t have a problem with people believing in God, or multiple Gods. My philosophy is, “You got your Gods. I got mine. If I get in trouble, can I borrow a couple?” The trouble is, these fish people are causing problems for others with their ignorance and indifference to the havoc their actions wreak upon the people around them. The presence of fish people on the roads makes a simple trip to the corner store the equivalent of running through a minefield. Blindfolded.

Here’s my practical solution to the problem: If the fish people are fine with endangering my life with their driving, I demand equal time. Simply apply a modest fine as the penalty for shooting fish people. Let’s set this fine at $500.00. That oughta be enough to prevent the casual slaughter of herds of fish people while still allowing people to defend themselves if needed.

Current status: Irked

Current Music: Caravanserai, by Loreena McKennitt



2 responses

1 04 2007
Layman Pong

“You ain’t never lied.”

Anecdotally corroborated from the West Coast.

4 04 2007

“I don’t care if it rains or freezes, long’s I got my plastic Jesus, ridin’ on the dashboard of my car… I can go a hundred miles an hour long’s I got the almighty power, right up there with my pair of fuzzy dice.”

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