Humbug

I have a problem. To resolve this problem, I will pretend that there are more than four or five people reading this post and ask for help.

My office is participating in a gift exchange. We all drew names from a hat (literally). I drew a tough one.

The person whose name I drew is someone I refuse to speak to unless absolutely necessary. She is one of the most ignorant, bigoted, and annoying people I have ever met. Worse, she is a religious zealot who has very little knowledge (of any sort) regarding her religion beyond parroting whatever talking points she picked up at her last prayer meeting.

I have to find a gift under $20 for this extremely disagreeable person.

I toyed briefly with the idea of getting her a copy of Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal. This won’t work, because she isn’t smart enough to understand the story and she has absolutely no sense of humor regarding her religion. So, that’s out. I’ll get a copy for myself instead.

I’m not a member of her religion, so getting something religious would probably just offend her. Since she isn’t rational when she discusses her faith, I can’t even ask her for suggestions. Among other things, she believes that any crime should be forgiven if the criminal is a member of her faith, and that pursuing criminal charges against her supposed co-religionists is merely persecution. She also believes that anyone who doesn’t believe as she does is evil and therefore untrustworthy. A member of her faith could state that water is not in fact wet, and she would assume that any non-believer was lying when they tried to provide factual evidence to the contrary.

I’ve been putting off going into one of those religious bookstores or gift shops, mostly because I can’t stand the people and atmosphere in such places, but also out of complete ignorance over what might offend religious whackjobs. My giftee handles procuring all of our office supplies, so offending her is contraindicated.

So I need help. I need some suggestions on what to get a female religious fruitcake for a Christmas gift. It has to cost less than twenty bucks, cannot give the impression that I have any feelings toward her beyond that of co-worker, and (most important) cannot make me want to puke after handling it.

Current status: Perplexed

Music: Twilight Zone, by Rush